Remnants of indoctrination

I. Am. Horny. Today. I don’t know whether it’s that or because Lady and I have been discussing her ex daddy, or maybe distance has simply made the heart grow fonder but I miss my daddy. My daddy was separate from the fun loving nerdy cinema regular O. My daddy brought pain. It’s the torture I miss most right now while I writhe.

I haven’t been able to remove myself from bed as I wish to remain forever in these debilitating fantasies of bruises and sub space. I wish he would insert himself deep in my mouth and choke me until the soreness of my throat is soothed by his milk. I wish he would invite me back to indulge himself in an intense violence all over my naked flesh, then when he’s finished to wrap my injured body up in his blanket arms and tell me that I’m perfect and he’ll never let me go. I wish I could make him happy like this again.

I wish he would ask me to.

I wish…

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… I know that to return home alone again with the knowledge he can never be mine and yet I will always be his would crush me once more. I know I would feel worthless. The number of times I can bare that worthlessness by my own hand before doing something tragic and stupid is uncertain. I fear that end would inevitably come. But I still want him and if he asked for me, I don’t think I could stop myself.

I wish I was better at letting go.

I wish I could make myself happy.

I wish.